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English Humour

To an Englishman, a thing is not a thing

it’s a sequence of phonemes,

an aggregation of labile syllables

and castrated consonants

it’s a pun, an off color association

a mixture of obnoxious gases, liquids

and semi-solids, vulgar as a fifteenth century

public convenience and often as onomatopoeic


Englishmen are so busy rhyme scheming limericks

they bump into real meanings blindfolded,

talk to them about global warming and they’ll

say something like ‘there was a young floe from Alaska’

and you can’t mention subjects like pity, downhearted

or missing without getting some totally

irrelevant bathroom response


Of course, not all English people are like that

there’s an increasing number with almost

impeccable accents whose grandparents did not

giggle at Gilbert and Sullivan

but I’m pleased to say that your’s truly

is not one of those and with a little bit of

blooming luck, my kids will grow up just like me

their real emotions disguised

behind an elegance of expletive graffiti

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© Johnmichael Simon



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